Compelled by something deeper

I am coming into the understanding that I am here to serve others with this deep understanding which is derived from a higher level of consciousness. Love flows from my heart and my intuition guides me mindfully sometimes to say, or not say, sometimes to do or not do. I know now that, those who are meant to hear these words will be drawn in to them. Just as I know with absolute certainty if something is meant for me or not.

In the past, I have gone against this knowing and paid for it dearly. From the time I was a child I have always wanted to give to and help others. I didn’t understand why adults were always telling me not to. I have helped so many people in my life and for that opportunity I am grateful. A simple complement can make someone smile. A thoughtful gift can make someone’s day. Solving a problem can change someone’s life.

I didn’t understand for a long time the wonderful gifts I have been blessed with. Giving had always brought me joy throughout my childhood and as a teenager. I generally made strong connections with friends and enjoyed a lot of balance in my relationships. However looking back I do realize that a lot of people poked fun at me, or picked on me and took me for granted. The resilience I have helped me to carry on lightheartedly.

As an adult, attempting to form relationships became more complicated. Society, family hierarchy and religion had created a clear picture of what a romantic relationship consisted of or how adult friendships should look. I tried for years to shove myself into the boxes as I understood them and I found myself continually disappointed with not only the reaction of the other party (or lack thereof) but also with the lack of reciprocation.

Raising a child helped me to push myself through the sea of judgement, resentment, gluttony and selfishness I found the world to be filled with. Children are so full of joy and innocence, such a gift to live genuinely. We are often not properly prepared to transition from such a warm nurturing place of love to the cold hard world around us. Looking back I wish I could have imparted all of the knowledge I have now, not only to my own child but to my self as a child.

Of course we are here to learn lessons, and some are harder than others. Like as a mother, I cannot learn the lessons meant for my child. Which lesson would I go back to give if I could just pick one? Self love. I don’t even think anyone said those words to me as a child. I didn’t realize that they went together. I had no idea what a profound idea loving yourself was, until quite recently. It took me years to learn how to do it all of the way.

It seemed so strange at first. “Of course I love myself!” was my initial reaction. Did I really? It turns out not. I might have loved that I am a compassionate and caring friend. That didn’t mean I loved my whole self. That journey consisted of many layers, I stopped calling myself names, I stopped criticizing my appearance, I stopped punishing myself for mistakes, I stopped agonizing over decisions that could not be undone. Even after stopping all of the negative self talk and criticism I was only halfway to loving myself.

I took a long time to go inside of myself and find a sea of stored hurt and pain from every reason I had not to love myself. Maybe someone else criticized my appearance or the way I did something, maybe I did it but just because I had stopped doing it in the present didn’t mean I hadn’t saved all of those old instances. I had saved a collection of reasons to pull out every time I got close to loving myself. These items were all neatly stored away inside of my heart. The only way to get rid of each one was to go find it and release it. This is a painful process, it requires you to commit to yourself, understanding why the incident was hurtful and forgiving all parties involved including yourself. Sometimes you need to revisit one incident several times in order to fully release it because it has been affirmed so many times over the years.

Many people have gone through years of therapy to accomplish a task so great. There are many methods you may find helpful on your own journey to self love. The most important thing to remember is it won’t happen over night. Practicing patience, understanding and persistence with yourself is critical to your success. You may choose to go through a process of amends with yourself and others, you may work with an energy worker, journal, join a group or talk to a friend who is also learning to love themselves. Meditation may also prove to be an invaluable tool for you as it did for me. Keep going, don’t get discouraged. We all fall, we all make mistakes, we all hurt others and ourselves but we all have the power to forgive, let go and try again.

The lessons will keep coming, they will get bigger and they will reap larger rewards. As I have arrived at my own summit, a huge lesson sticks out for me. I always looked around for love from outside of me. That’s why I could not master relationships. I expected the love of another being to solve the problems inside of myself. Once I made it through the process of releasing and forgiving I created some very strong boundaries to protect my self love. Now I can say no without guilt. I take excellent care of myself. I find myself so absolutely grateful in every single day for all of the lessons that brought me to this point where I can confidently say I am absolutely in love with myself.