The last year has been particularly trans-formative for me. I have undergone regular transformation over the last five years but this one was big. I made a mistake not listening to the universe and I have learned my lesson. Some of you out there may think that I am strange for saying that and I would like to inform you that I am strange and not just for saying that, so this blog may not be for you.
I have a very strong intuition, I always have. As I have come to accept it and embrace it I have come to understand it will always guide me where I need to go, keep me safe and help me end up where I need to be. You know how they say home is where the heart is? You may have a different definition of home and mine surprised me as well. My heart must have been at home because I needed to return to it. My heart needed my attention, it needed my love and I needed my love.
I felt like I had wandered off, and when I returned home nothing was quite as I remembered it. Nothing was where I left it except when I went outside, the trees were bigger but they were the same trees I always knew and loved. The grass was overgrown but it was the same sanctuary I had found solace in. It smelled like home, it sounded like home and it felt like home. That is how I learned that I had always had a home that I never quite accepted until I returned last year.
My emotional body had not been prepared for what I was experiencing in returning home. I realized that there were a lot of things that I had not dealt with. Unresolved anger, hurt, pain and now I also felt an overwhelming feeling of loss. Although I had learned a lot and experienced so much in my time away, I had squandered many opportunities to share with my dearest loved ones. I realized my own child had not shared in the delight of the long past memories I found myself digging around.
Most of the year of 2019 was spent silently weeping. First because of this sense of loss and actual loss but also because of these old memories, thoughts and feelings that I had tucked away and in some cases numbed out of (conscious) existence through the use of some self abusive behavior. As I recognized the depth of the sorrow I also recognized my desperate need to heal. I had hopes, I had dreams I had goals, I had to figure out how to get back to myself and start over and this time I wanted to do it right.
I have no idea what I would have done without the few friends and family members I have here at home. Through my newly rekindled relationships with each one, I realized I needed to start by reconciling with anyone I had hurt in the past. This led me back to the most important person I had been hurting all along – me. Realizing that the root of the problem was myself, I started to do some healing exercises I had learned from my spiritual teacher and eventually reconnected with her and took a course she was offering online. Check it out if you are interested. Based on a course I attended in person Morph into Sself Love, the course offers so many tools to help the wounded warrior heal. I continued to explore healing and I recommitted myself to daily meditation and a daily workout routine which was really helpful. All the while I was serving as a care giver and gearing up for another inevitable loss. I was the type of person that would care for another to the detriment of myself. This was a big lesson and I found myself asking for help, relying on help as things got harder.
In that time, after my third loss of a loved one that year, I remember feeling completely disconnected. I had a feeling that all of the feelings were floating just outside of my heart, ready to crush it into pieces. Like my soul was floating next to my body and I didn’t even know who I was. I am so grateful for those wonderful people in my life who reached out and helped me make it through those first days and weeks. I spent months feeling like I would just sob if I let myself remember, so I didn’t. I reminded myself that I need to take care of me now and I had been practicing very well. My brother took me on a trip and it was so therapeutic. An excellent chance to get close to him. My friends beckoned me out for coffee and lunches and everyone gave me the best gift of all: love and acceptance.
I also did myself a really great favor, I signed up for a meditation retreat, something I had wanted to do for a really long time. I will write another blog soon to talk about the benefits of that retreat. I have learned so much about myself over this last year. I learned what a magnificent human being I am, that I deserve my own forgiveness as much as anyone else. I deserve my own love so I can give it to everyone else. By taking the time to go into the deep dark depths of those emotions, I have freed myself to be everything I always wanted to be.
Shorty's Hippie Haven 